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Family

Why do you choose not to have kids?

I’m female and almost 20 years old. I want to get my tubes tied next year but since I have no kids and I’m not married it’s going to be extremely difficult to find someone willing to do it.

The reason I don’t want kids is because I have an extreme fear of pregnancy and childbirth. Postpartum insanity and postpartum depression both run in my family and I’ve seen it firsthand at how horrible it is. I used to live with my sister and her son when he was extremely young and I absolutely hated every minute of it. I love my nephew to death but the crying nightly, the amount of attention, just everything about the parental aspect of it killed me. I took on babysitting as a way of paying her for taking me in. It was a lot less babysitting and a lot more full on nannying. I looked after him from first thing in the morning till 8:00 at night and it was exhausting.

Honestly if I got pregnant I would go to another country for an abortion, do home remedies for an abortion, have a friend punch me in the stomach repeatedly, or find some other way to cause a miscarriage. Children will never be in my future and I need some way to convince my doctor to let me have my tubes tied.

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Family

Not getting the support I’d hoped for from my partner regarding sterilization surgery

I have an IUD but want to take the next step and get a bilateral salpingectomy. The issue is I am young and while I think I could find a doctor thanks to this sub, my boyfriend is very hesitant about me getting the surgery. I hinted at vasectomy for him but I think he is disinterested in that which is valid; his body his choice. However he seems to not be convinced that I made up my mind and worries that I will regret it later. I know I will not – even if I do want to have kids later I sure as hell don’t want to be pregnant and am more into adoption or surrogate. Anyways, it hurts me to t hi nk that he doesn’t support this when I have known for years I am CF. Not to mention he is a wonderful partner and isn’t dead set on having kids, more a fence sitter but that’s the problem. He isn’t convinced of what I want. He knows I don’t want kids but thinks since I have an IUD that I might as well leave it alone “just in case”.

It’s really frustrating, like he’s not the one who would have to deal with the pregnancy and even though we use condoms what if I get raped? I tell him all this but he just continues to push only keeping the IUD. which I understand is really effective, but I just want to be super set by sterilizing now. I am a very impatient person who when I decide I want something I want to get it done as soon as possible which is why I want the bisalp sooner rather than later. The only issue is my partner. It hurts. He’s perfect in other aspects except this. I’m worried that since we can’t see eye to eye on this there are other problems on the horizon for us. I worry that he secretly does want kids more than he lets on and if we stay together he will resent me. I also am hurt bc it feels like he doesn’t trust my judgment to make my own decisions. I get that I can be paranoid and fearful but this is something I actually put a lot of thought into. I don’t want to “wait til we are about 35 or 40 and then we can see” – I KNOW I don’t want to get pregnant and I want to ensure that won’t happen now! But he fought me on it. Saying shit like “I don’t want you to regret it” and “you dont know what the future will hold” and like “you changed your mind about dating, maybe this will change too”.

Okay? But you know me. You should know that’s what I want. If you cared about me you would at least try to understand and support me even if you disagreed.

I get he doesn’t want me to regret it later but I know I won’t. I know there’s possible complications to the surgery but it is relatively safe and I have confidence the docs know what they’re doing. I just wish I could make him understand me. I dont want to lose him but don’t know if I can get over this.

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Family

Bilateral Salpingectomy FINALLY

I finally had my bilateral salpingectomy on 6/30 and I have never been more thrilled. I’ve never wanted kids since I was 14 and the earliest time I remember trying to get sterilized was since I was 19.
My Mother has been begging me to have children even BEFORE I got my first period. It’s a constant topic brought up anytime I see here. Like 80% chance it’s been brought up, on her own. Every time I tell her my stance and I do not want a child or any other life to be responsible for. Last time was as a family gathering and I told her she would have to pay me 15 million dollars non-taxed to even consider it.
Well I finally persuaded my OBGYN that I needed one and that all other forms of contraception do not work for me due to putting me into mental distress or very closely putting me into the ER. She called me and said she would and a week later I was in the OR getting my tubes completely removed. Nobody except my sister and 2 others know of the removal. So it should be a bit thrilling to see my Mother’s face when I tell her.

So far recovery hasn’t been too bad other than being sore and a hard time breathing. My diaphragm is sore and my abdomen which isn’t shocking, but it’s bearable. Laying down and leaning over helps with breathing. I have to have assistance getting up, in and out of bed as well as sitting to use the toilet the 1st 3 days. So far, the recovery isn’t what I imagined at all.

Let me know if you have any questions. I’d love to help.

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Family

here’s a reason I’ve never seen talked about

I don’t have to celebrate any holiday I don’t want to. Many parents end up having to participate in holidays because their kids are excited about it.

I was just sitting in my house listening to the cacophony of fireworks going off and 1) super glad nobody that lives next to me has kids/is gonna accidentally set my house on fire 2) glad I don’t have kids so I don’t have to participate in the celebration of this shitshow of a country.

Call me a grinch but I hate Christmas and everything about it, so does my husband, and that’s a big one for kids. I would really hate to have to decorate the house and all that bullshit. I do buy my dogs and cats gifts but don’t even wrap them.

But there are so many holidays, almost one a month, that would need decorating or parties and buying stuff to celebrate and just, hard pass. Of course there’s nothing saying I would have to celebrate holidays even if I did have kids but I would feel horrible to deprive them of that kind of thing.

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Family

Tips on maintaining health and sanity living downstairs from children?

New here, so hope this post is okay, just not sure where else to ask this without being shamed. I’m just looking for tips for staying healthy, managing pain, and managing depressive thoughts caused by lack of sleep that *aren’t* directed at parents.

So, upstairs neighbour has two young kids, a toddler and a little older. Their normal sleep schedule is midnight to 7, which is rough for me, but tolerable, esp. if they aren’t up much during the night. But now it’s summer, so it’s more like 1 am to…whenever. They were up at 5:30 this morning after going to bed at 1 am. And they don’t really go out, so there’s no quiet time to catch up on sleep during the day, either.

I don’t have kids partly *because* my health isn’t good enough to care for them well. I have two different conditions affected by lack of sleep/irregular sleep schedule…which is par for the course with kids, I get it…but in the meantime, my health is getting worse and my productivity/income is taking a hit.

We are, of course, looking for another place to live, but until then, what? I’ve already been to my doctor for stronger meds, but I can’t take meds every day . I’ve tried using regular ear plugs under industrial ear muffs, as well as white noise under industrial ear muffs, with a fan running, but you can still hear the loud bangs and feel the vibrations. Tried sleeping in other rooms. School starting won’t totally solve the problem because it was still hard when their bedtime was earlier.

As grateful as I am not to live in the relentless hellscape my upstairs neighbour endures, I just want to not in pain and feeling sick anymore. Pretty sure the mother drinks to cope, but I doubt that would help me. Tempted, though… #wineneighbour

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Family

Experience of getting referred in the UK (rant)

So this is a rant, mostly because I don’t think I can report it anywhere and need to get it off my chest! Sorry for bad formatting, am on mobile.

Late November 2021: I get a referral for sterilisation from my GP. No issues, been asked if I’m sure, said yes, the referral was sent off into the ether. I’m optimistic.

February 2022: have my first telephone consultation. The consultant tells me NHS doesn’t carry out sterilisations on women my age. I told her respectfully that’s not true, otherwise I wouldn’t get the referral in the first place. She changes her tactic and tells me it’s a big decision I might regret. I shoot back with “if I came to you pregnant right now you wouldn’t tell me it’s a big decision or ask if I really thought this through to have a baby”.
This seemed to have persuaded her and I get told she will book a follow up face to face appointment for a second opinion, but she makes sure to let me know that I might have to wait 3-4 months after that to see if I haven’t changed my mind. By that time I’m like whatever just book the next appointment!

May 2022: still no follow up appointment, I call to chase them up, get told I’m on a waitlist, but still get a letter for a follow up TELEPHONE appointment within a week in June

June 22: “sorry we had to reschedule your appointment for early July”
Yeah ok, stuff happens…

Late June 22: “sorry we had to reschedule your appointment for late July”.
By now I’m getting annoyed and call to ask what is going on, and straight up tell the woman they are undermining my decision by constantly changing the appointment. I get the “sorry it’s out of our control” story.

Back to waiting to end of July

You’d think that’s annoying in itself, but wait, THERE’S MORE

Meanwhile…

It’s June, My husband gets annoyed with how I’m being treated, tells me we will pursue my sterilisation privately if we need to.
In the meantime he wants to do his bit, visits the GP on a Thursday, gets referred.
Following Monday he has his vasectomy scheduled for late August 2022….

I feel like punching a wall.

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Family

You’ll find a way!

I nonstop get asked when me and my husband will have kids. I don’t want kids. I hate the screaming, messiness, loudness, smell, clinginess, never having nice stuff, fits…you name it. And babies give me horrible anxiety when they start to have a meltdown because I can never get them to stop crying!

I get asked why when I say I don’t want them and usually end saying we can’t afford them. People always change it into a life lesson talk and get all emotional into a sob story and say you’ll always find a way to afford some precious babies and God will help. Ummmm we already live paycheck to paycheck and I can’t afford anymore medical bills plus is god gonna pay my mortgage? When someone has reasons to why they don’t want kids respect their decision and don’t try to solve their problems and make them change their mind. My kids are my dog and cat. If you can’t respect me then gtfo.

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Family

Scheduling my Salpingectomy and feel super nervous. Anyone else?

I have known I don’t want children for as long as I can remember. I have been on birth control since I was 17. I want to ensure that no babies will ever come from this body.

I was surprised my doctor did not blink an eye when I said I wanted to be sterilized. I thought it would be at least a 2-5 year battle. Now I’m looking having it done by early fall.

This makes me so nervous. It’s partly that I’ve never had such a major surgery, but also just how big a change this would be. I still want to have it done, but part of me is questioning just how badly do I actually want it done?

Has anyone else experienced such mixed emotions? How did you deal? I don’t want to be questioning myself when it comes time for surgery.

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Family

What are your favorite hobbies and games that your CF life allows?

We hear so much from so many people about their kids- I want to hear from other CF people what their lives are like! We all need to hear about other options for our futures that don’t involve kids.

I travel constantly and work late in a career I love. It’s my life’s dream.

I workout nearly every day and eat healthy and go to bed and get a good nights sleep whenever I need.

I play board games with friends when I get some free time.

I occasionally play Stardew valley, ark survival evolved, Pokémon, and age of empires.

EDIT: holy comments batman! I have read every single one of your comments- either laying in my hammock or with a sleepy kitty in my arms like a baby . You all are some AMAZING people and it’s so heart warming to read!

You’ve reminded me of some other perks of being childfree:

I get to spend $ on expensive hair, skin, and makeup products. I buy nice clothes. I don’t think twice about buying game expansions for ark or sims. I only need plane tickets for two people to travel, not a family. I sleep in every day because I work late. I come home at night and just relax. I wear whatever I want around the house

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Family

I overheard a conversation that gave me hope.

I was at my nephews first birthday party this past weekend and while presents were being opened I overheard a conversation that made me smile and gave me hope.

My brothers friends were sitting together just chatting when I heard his one friend turn to his buddy and blurt out “so when are you having kids??” The friend, taken back started stuttering not knowing how to answer the question. Noticing this, one of the mothers turns around stating how rude and inappropriate that question is. She continued by stating that not everyone needs to live the same life and kids are not for everyone. She even went as far to say that if she didn’t accidentally get pregnant with her son, she would be childfree. Needless to say, the guy who originally asked the question apologized and said he was in the wrong.

As a childfree couple just observing, my husband and I were so happy to overhear this! It was a quick conversation but hopefully the lesson lives on.